Ideal
Moz is a drug dealer and has very strange clientele who come and go from his flat.
Genre: Comedy
Cast:Johnny Vegas , Graham Duff , Nicola Reynolds , Tom Goodman-Hill , Ryan Pope , David Sant , Ben Crompton , Jo Neary , Seymour Leon Mace , Sinead Matthews , Haruka Kuroda , Alfie Joey , Hanne Steen , Andrew Lee Potts , Mick Miller , Emma Fryer , Tony Burgess , Tim Fallows
S1.E1 ∙ The Rat
Moz is a small-time Mancunian dealer in soft drugs - chiefly those confiscated by the local police and provided by a supplier known as P.C. - who is a policeman. Moz's girl-friend Nicki leaves him after discovering a rat in their flat and then Moz prepares to meet his regulars -Jenny,known as the baby-sitter from Hell,probationer Colin,elderly gay Brian and Cartoon Head,a man who always wears masks of cartoon characters.There are two new customers,pretty girls Ash and China. Moz takes a shine to China and is prepared to let her have hash on tick. Unfortunately there is also a new kid in town,rival pusher Psycho Paul.
S1.E2 ∙ The Seduction
Moz has problems - not only does Psycho Paul sell better gear than him but the rat will not go away and he considers calling in a rat-catcher though Cartoon Head knows how to deal with the problem in his own way. Moz is also still pursuing China and,after a visit to a club,is alone with her in the flat. However,it would seem she prefers Cartoon Head.
S1.E3 ∙ The Boyfriend
Colin comes to score and tells Moz of the 'hand-job' murder, the murder of the man in the bedsit opposite his,found with his hand cut off. Various clients also arrive. Leo the window cleaner comes through the window as does Craig, a man who seems to be stalking Moz,whilst a delivery woman complains of the poor quality of Moz's gear. Nicki also arrives back and,hearing of the fling with China,puts rat poison in China's coffee in an unsuccessful attempt to bump her off. Worse still,following a visit by Carton Head,Moz discovers the corpse's severed hand in his flat.
S1.E4 ∙ The Affair
Having got rid of Craig and the hand Moz is visited by Colin,anxious to sell knock-off goods and,when refused,he steals Nicki's polaroids. P.C. interviews Moz about the murder but,when alone in the room,with Nicki,starts kissing her. They are evidently having an affair. However it is very short-lived,as is China's fling with Cartoon Head so that Moz soon finds himself offering tea and sympathy to both women.
S1.E5 ∙ The Backpacker
Moz pours salt down the back of the fridge to get rid of the new infestation - slugs. Nicki notices the photos of her with P.C. have gone but she is confident Moz is unaware of the content and eventually Moz buys them back from Colin without noticing. Craig the stalker is arrested by P.C. but uses his one phone call to try and score off Moz. Meanwhile Yasuko,a fastidiously tidy back-packer Nicki met in Thailand,arrives,having been invited to stay by Nicki.
S1.E6 ∙ The Party
It's Moz's birthday so Nicki decides to throw a party so that they can use the presents - a sandwich,a bag of Bombay mix and party umbrellas - that she bought him. Inevitably Yasuko insists on cleaning the flat in preparation - which leads to the polaroids being discovered again. Brian and club owner Kuldip argue over who should be the party's disc jockey - until Cartoon Head steps in.
S1.E7 ∙ The Pregnancy
Whilst the severed hand makes its return Nicki takes a pregnancy test,which proves positive,leading her to wonder which of the three men she has slept with could be the father. Craig the stalker returns and actually seems to be getting on well with Cartoon Head. Unfortunately after planning to go to Kuldit's club Cartoon Head shoots and kills Craig. It is an accident but it still leaves Moz wondering if Cartoon Head is the 'hand job' killer.
S1.E8 ∙ The Body
Moz now has a problem - Craig's corpse is in his flat and he and Cartoon Head have to dispose of it. Help comes from an unexpected quarter - Psycho Paul,who seems well-versed in such matters. He and Cartoon Head get rid of Craig,leaving Moz with the daunting task of cleaning up the flat.
S1.E9 ∙ The Christmas Special
With all the stress and excitement behind him, Moz is hoping for a relaxing Christmas with a spliff or two but his calm is shattered when his mother,Sheila,arrives,in party mood and with a karaoke machine. Nicki makes a new friend in Sangita,with whom she shares a lesbian kiss in the bathroom - whilst telling her about the three putative fathers of her baby. Confusingly Craig's twin brother,Steve,also arrives.
S2.E1 ∙ The Stag Do
The pregnant Nicki has now moved out to share a lesbian love nest with Sangita. Judith,a very nervous girl,moves in across the hall from Moz and seems likely girl friend material. Derrick,the former suit turned mucky vegetable grower,is about to marry Yasuko with Moz as best man so Cartoon Head throws a stag party but it all gets wildly out of hand.
S2.E2 ∙ The Landlord
Waking up to find 200 pairs of shoes in the flat and filling it with foam,Moz is freaked to learn that his landlord,Mr. Rupani,is about to visit. Mr. Rupani fights shy of doing any repairs but is intrigued to see Moz's 'Good Parenting Guide' as no children are allowed in the flats and cannot help but notice the blood-stain on the wall from where Cartoon head shot Craig. Moz manages to explain it all away - sort of,though he can do without customers dropping in.
S2.E3 ∙ The Hydroponics
Cartoon Head and Psycho Paul come to collect the stolen trainers they stored in the flat. Cartoon Head's appearance frightens Judith and,when Moz comforts her, Nicki appears,to collect her stuff,and gets the wrong idea. P.C. brings some White Widow dope plants which he and Moz grow in the attic hydroponically and with artificial light. Moz falls asleep and dreams about Craig and when he wakes up hears the pipes rattling and assumes it's Craig's ghost.
S2.E4 ∙ The Seance
Moz asks elderly Mrs. Conybeare from downstairs to hold a seance in order to exorcise Craig's ghost. Various customers come along,including Brian,who tells Moz that Judith is a mortuary attendant who likes simulating sex with corpses. Mrs. Conybeare begins her seance and there is a loud crash but it is not a ghost,merely an undercover cop trailing Cartoon Head and hiding in the attic where he has knocked himself unconscious.With the seance over Judith admits to Moz that what Brian said is true. All the same she wants friendship and no more with Moz for now.
S2.E5 ∙ The Boss
The undercover cop makes his escape having left a hidden camera in the attic. Psycho Paul,Cartoon Head and Steve appear,wanting to use Moz's flat in which to hide their prospective kidnap victim. Moz is not happy but Mr. Stemroach, the gang's boss - who speaks through an electronic voice-box - turns up and offers Moz two hundred and fifty pounds if he will oblige. In the meantime both Cartoon Head and Moz's brother Troy electrocute themselves.
S2.E6 ∙ The Guest
It's the morning of Derrick's wedding to Yusako but before Moz can get to the church,Cartoon Head,Steve and Psycho Paul bring their kidnap victim - Mr. Rupani,the landlord,whom they are ransoming to his wife. Moz is not happy but then a whole load of customers,plus Judith,arrive and throw a party,getting Moz extremely stoned. He just about hears P.C. tell him to move the hydroponics,since they were caught on the hidden camera and a raid is due.
S2.E7 ∙ The Delivery
A hung-over Moz wakes to find everybody gone except Judith,who has had her way with him whilst he was unconscious. Nicki turns up and Moz offers to give up dealing and get a job if she will return to him. P.C. also asks her to make a go of things with him when he comes to help Moz get rid of the White Widows. Moz lets slip to P.C. that Cartoon Head,misunderstanding Moz's request to take him out,shot Craig in the flat and they dumped the body. After various visitors have come and gone Nicki gives birth - to a rather tinted little boy.
S2.E8 ∙ The Money
The police raid takes place but no drugs are found,just a photo of Craig's kids,which P.C. says are his. After Nicki has left with the baby - whose father,Kuldip,is off to Barcelona - to get back with Sangita,a drunk P.C. arrives and admits to his affair with Nicki. He and Moz fight but they are interrupted by the Stemroach gang,who give Moz the ransom money to take care of and accidentally stab P.C. though he survives. With everybody gone Judith sees this as her moment to come on to Moz but unfortunately the loft catches fire,leaving them on the roof.
S3.E1 ∙ The Night
Moz is released from hospital,having broken his leg falling off the roof following the loft catching fire. At least Nicki has returned to him bringing baby Sanjeev but he keeps her awake at night and she begins to hallucinate. Mr. Rupani has sent two workmen,Alan and Marco,to repair the flat - both born-again Christians. Judith is seen dragging a large sack into her flat.Is she bringing her work home with her?
S3.E2 ∙ The Christians
Moz's persistent stream of callers,including Brian,now dating and transformed into,a Goth and Jenny with her toy-boy, cause the builders to query who they are and Moz replies that they come to him for advice because he is considered to be a spiritual and religious man. The two clasp him to their bosoms but it backfires on him when he is called upon to exorcise Jenny. P.C. meanwhile starts dating China.
S3.E3 ∙ The Pyramid
Moz certainly has his hands full as his mother Sheila reappears and tries to interest him in a decidedly dodgy pyramid selling scheme in which she has been caught up,in addition to which Cartoon Head and Psycho Paul arrive at the flat with the glamorous Helena intent on shooting a blue movie and,to cap it all, Nicki gets involved in a road accident.
S3.E4 ∙ The Nest
Builder Alan finally tumbles to the true nature of Moz's business and,after being horribly stung by the occupants of a wasps' nest,goes on the rampage, trying to kill Moz and some of his customers. Lee,half of the would-be pop band Silicon Valets,comes off worse as he is imprisoned,left for dead,inside Moz's deficient hot water boiler. All this and a visit from Stemroach.
S3.E5 ∙ The Bath
With his big day on the horizon all that Moz wants to do is to stay in and have a nice relaxing bath.But unfortunately it looks as if this is fated not to happen - not only do a steady stream of customers keep knocking at his door but then the evening is rounded off with a bizarre murder.
S3.E6 ∙ The Set-Up
In the wake of the murder P.C. is looking to get Stemroach and leans on a reluctant Moz to help him set up the gangster leader. Unfortunately Cartoon Head and Psycho Paul have a dastardly plan of their own to get him and once more Moz's flat becomes the scene of a show-down.
S3.E7 ∙ The Crabs
Moz is trying to enjoy his stag night while Judith has a party mask glued to her face.
S3.E8 ∙ The Wedding
Moz wakes up for his wedding day,only to find himself in bed with Colin's sister Tania and,after he's got rid of her,he still has to cope with the amorous attentions of mask-wearing Judith. And if that's not enough he has to rescue Brian from the clutches of murderous born-again Christian Alan,risking life and limb in the process. Will he make it to his own wedding in time?
S4.E3 ∙ The Vodka
When Moz gets a visit from the drunken Jenny things soon get out of hand.
S4.E4 ∙ The Secret
Moz and Jenny's best efforts to keep their affair secret are all to no avail.
S4.E5 ∙ The War
Released from the boiler Lee comes up with inspiring song lyrics inspired by his ordeal whilst a cash-strapped Colin and a violent guy called Xavier join Psycho Paul's gang,turning Moz's flat into a training camp under the instruction of Stripes,another mask-wearer. They plan to torch a Triad restaurant but get a shock when the Triads turn up at the flat with their new leader - Cartoon Head.
S4.E6 ∙ The Birthday
Nicki's birthday party doesn't go entirely according to plan and Moz splits up with Jenny.
S4.E7 ∙ The Television
It's all change for Moz as Nicki moves out and new love Jenny moves in.
S4.E8 ∙ The Future
Psycho Paul's gang hole up in the flat with two members of the Triad as hostages.
S5.E1 ∙ The Healer
Whilst Jenny lies upright but comatose in his bed,imagining a series of dream sequences featuring her in ballet outfits flitting about the room, Moz swears that he will now give up dealing for good and get himself a proper job. None of his customers believe him though and all,annoyingly,seem to think he can snap Jenny out of it. Feeling neglected by Cartoon Herad,Judith initiates young Marco into his first sexual experience.
S5.E2 ∙ The Temptation
Brian drops by with his most bizarre 'scrummy' pairing yet, con-joined twins Jake and Dinos whilst Alan attempts to escape from Fist. Moz is finding it hard to resist a number of attractive women callers who,strangely enough find him desirable. So much so that when Jenny finally wakes up from her coma she finds Moz heavily involved with prostitute Monique.
S5.E3 ∙ The Red Bag
Moz is adamant that he will not return to dealing and so Judith gets him a job at the Easy Spud take-away,which is very boring and he has to stop himself from nodding off. Alan makes his escape from Fist,whom he has recognized as Vicar Fistwick,a homicidal man of the cloth and jail-bird and goes to Keith and Carol for help. Unfortunately Carol,being blind,panics and kills him,leaving Jeff to help her dispose of the body. Alan is not the only casualty. Cartoon Head,having heard of Judith's infidelity,is out for revenge on Marco but kills his twin brother by mistake.
S5.E4 ∙ The Documentary
Having been fired from the Easy Spud for falling asleep in the pepperoni sauce,Moz scours the Salford Gazette for work,turns down Brian's suggestion that he become a table-dancer at the Schlong-Fellows gay club and ends up being coerced by Cartoon Head to sell a brick of heroin. The Silicon Valets turn up at his flat with a documentary crew - and Alan Yentob - in tow,making a film about them. Although Moz denies dealing,unfortunately the film exposes the heroin and he is arrested and charged by P.C.
S5.E5 ∙ The Chance
Moz is not happy with P.C. for busting him and lets him know it. The prospect of a long jail sentence is not inviting and there is only one thing for it. Moz and Jenny will skip the country and start a new life in Portugal. Unfortunately with the drugs money gone he is strapped for cash and Keith is no help,trying to touch him for a tenner. Brian makes a bizarre discovery - his latest 'scrummy' boy-friend is the son he fathered in the days when he was straight!
S5.E6 ∙ The Passports
Psycho Paul decides to go into the human trafficking business but the sex slaves who arrive crated from Russia are not Nicole and Stephanie as hoped but the rather more fearsome Nikolai and Stepan. Judith throws over Cartoon Head to begin her new life with Marco whilst Moz and Jenny also hope to embark upon their new life,fleeing to Portugal on stolen passports and thus leaving Nicki and P.C. to take over the flat.
S6.E1 ∙ The Business
Moz and Jenny return to Salford to collect the two grand Cartoon Head owes Moz,only to find that Nicki has now become a super-efficient drugs dealer,employing Cartoon Head and Psycho Paul. Brian calls in with Jamie and transsexual Nathaniel,who used to be Brian's ex-wife Natalie but a more sinister visitor is Roger,Moz's exact double and the man whose passport Moz stole. He goes on a murderous rampage through the flat before P.C. decapitates him.
S6.E2 ∙ The American
Moz plans to move to Italy to rent scooters as he tells the now highly successful Silicon Valets and Psycho Paul's gang,who have recruited Russian Nikolai. However,hearing that all charges against him are dropped he decides to stay. Nicki and P.C. move into the flat once occupied by Fist,whose disappearance is explained by Tanya and where Judith and Jake have been hiding as they plot to kill Cartoon Head. He also meets Tilly,a spiritual American from flat number 8.
S6.E3 ∙ The Kill
Married couple Carmel and Colin drop by - as does Psycho Paul's mob,who are into trafficking in human organs,including a very large penis which Brian buys. Whilst Nicki is evicting squatter Troy and Tilly is entertaining Moz with her organic drinks,Judith and Jake stab Cartoon Head,or so they think,but they have killed Nickolai by mistake and are confronted by the real C.H.
S6.E4 ∙ The Poster
After appearing on an advertising poster Jenny believes she is one step away from fame and agrees to Carmel's suggestion that she become a pole-dancer. Moz disapproves and Jenny,misunderstanding his response,assumes he has dumped her so she gets drunk and has sex with P.C. Tilly shows Moz the range of T-shirts covered in human fluids that she is selling in her shop and asks him to contribute his sperm for one. Keith and Troy plan to hold up a wages van and want Moz to act as look-out.
S6.E5 ∙ The Lapse
Moz is not happy when everybody assumes he and Jenny are through,and less so when she admits to her lapse with P.C. Whilst Keith and Troy carry out their heist,Moz is turned on to Encroach,a 'legal' drug,by Tilly,which causes him to hallucinate and hampers his efforts to produce a sperm sample for the T-shirt. Its effects carry on when she bumps into Nicki and they resume their old passions.
S6.E6 ∙ The Accident
Whilst Nicki organizes her flat-warming party,the Triad boys burst in on Keith and tie him and Debbie up - the van Keith robbed was under Triad protection - and they ring Moz,demanding thirty grand for his father's release. Moz calls in Cartoon Head and the gang but,whilst tooling up with live weapons,Steve shoots and kills himself,being reunited with his brother in heaven.
S6.E7 ∙ The Ear
Psycho Paul calls in Dr. Persil to dismember Steve so that they can sell his body parts but the money will not be available for two weeks and the Triad want their ransom money by midnight,even cutting off Keith's ear and leaving it outside Moz's flat to show they mean business. Whilst Psycho Paul has quickie with Rainbow and Cartoon Head delivers Judith's baby,Jenny dumps Moz by phone,adding to his worries.
S6.E8 ∙ The Housewarming
Cartoon Head and Judith are back together and show Moz their baby son,Plastic Face. But Moz still needs to raise the ransom money and Tilly lends it to him at her arty gathering,where she tells Moz she is a celibate Lesbian. However,the money is not needed as Moz discovers that Keith is being held in his own flat and Moz leads the gang to rescue him. Unfortunately they are over-powered and tied up but rescue comes thanks to Troy and Jenny. Moz believes his troubles are over but Jenny confesses she is now an item with P.C. and Moz asks her to choose between her two lovers.
S6.E9 ∙ The Outtakes
Graham Duff and Johnny Vegas introduce outtakes from the first six series, and discuss the difficulties of pronouncing 'Todmorden'.
S7.E1 ∙ The Police
After telling Colin of his dream where he is in bed with Kara Tointon and served a joint by Paul Weller Moz confesses that he really wants Jenny back and makes a Valentine card for her. However she chose P.C. over him and has now joined the police force herself. When Psycho Paul is stabbed by the Red Mist,a mythical ginger gang, Moz has cause to call the police and tries to win Jenny back over a bottle of vodka but he passes out. Romance could be in the air elsewhere between Cartoon Head and Nicki's sister Jess,who has just arrived in Manchester.
S7.E2 ∙ The Debtors
A hard-up Moz wants to call in his debts but nobody wants to pay. Derrick and Yasuko are saving for their new arrival,P.C. reckons it's Moz who owes him and Cartoon Head and Psycho Paul are put off the drug scene now that the Red Mist have muscled in and stabbed Paul. Tilly agrees to help Moz sell his rare records on E-bay but they get ruined thanks to Brian stalking her whilst Cartoon Head gets it together with Jess and Carmel manages Jason in his new band - whilst performing tricks on the side.
S7.E3 ∙ The Brothel
Moz is not happy to have to lower his prices on learning that Nicki,employing Cartoon Head and Psycho Paul,is undercutting him. Lee is not happy to find Jason,now managed by Tanya,doing well in the pop charts whilst he is stacking shelves at Londis. Judith is not happy to know that Cartoon Head is having an affair but resists the urgings of baby Plastic Face to take murderous action. Noone is happy to hear the the Red Mist are slaughtering all rival gangs so Nicki decides to put it about that Moz is the local big dealer,not her,whilst Moz wants P.C. to bust her. Carmel,still running her brothel with Brian,sees off an attempt on her life by jealous ex-lover Enrique,calling in hard ex-cop Blackball to get rid of him.
S7.E4 ∙ The Paintings
After Lee has told Moz his secret plans Nicki calls a meeting of her gang and invites the Triads to join them against the Red Mist. P.C. takes a shine to Tilly,who mistakes some paintings by Nicki's little boy Sanjeev for avant-garde artwork by Moz and agrees to exhibit them in her gallery. Discovering that she is not a Lesbian and seeing a chance for romance, Moz plays along whilst Jess and Cartoon Head experiment with ketamine and imagine themselves sucked into a giant red hand-bag.
S7.E5 ∙ The Love
Love is in the air for Moz and Tilly,who still believes he is a talented painter and for Nicki with Cartoon Head's young gang member Xavier though Judith is still seething that Cartoon Head has left her for Jess and Colin has to pay for sex with Carmel - whose most regular customer Jake has admitted to her that he is a member of the Red Mist. P.C. meanwhile tells Moz he has it in hand to have Nicki busted so that the pair of them can take over her drug-dealing business.
S7.E6 ∙ The Red King
Moz admits his art fraud to Tilly,who forgives him as she loves him. Yasuko,however,dumps Derrick for Fist. Nicki gets arrested by P.C. having told Jess she is her mother and rung the Red Mist to get them on to Moz but she relents and allows P.C. to tip Moz off so that when the Red Mist arrive,Moz has taken appropriate evasive action. Carmel has to choose between Colin and Jake,who are both threatening suicide,though Jake makes it easy for her while Judith finally gets lethal revenge on Cartoon Head.
