You Can't Do That on Television
Sketch TV by young amateur actors in true classic Nick-style. But whatever you do, never admit that you don't know or ask for water.
Cast:Les Lye , Abby Hagyard , Christine McGlade , Lisa Ruddy , Alasdair Gillis , Doug Ptolemy , Vanessa Lindores , Kevin Kubusheskie , Chris Bickford , Adam Greydon Reid , Teddy Wilson , Brodie Osome , Christian Tessier , Carlos Braithwaite , Justin Cammy , Amyas Godfrey , Jennifer Brackenbury , Kevin Schenk
S1.E1 ∙ Premiere Pilot
Kids from Ottawa offer up phone in giveaways, comedy skits, and community events all on a live show.
S1.E2 ∙ Shoestring
Amidst disco dancing, call-in contests and community announcements, Tim has numerous difficulties in trying to attract Cindy's interest.
S1.E3 ∙ Weather & Dresses
While Kevin Somers lets his new TV fame go directly to his head, Jono learns how to broadcast the weather through buckets of rain, snow, and hail on his head.
S1.E5 ∙ Painted Lockers & Dances
The kids exercise on a stationary bike and use the TV station's special effects to create change of scenery. While trying to stay healthy and exercise, the kids' efforts are halted by the adults. The boy escapes by going jogging with the firing squad.
S1.E7 ∙ Episode #1.7
On St. Patrick's Day, amidst disco dancing finalists, call-in contests and community announcements, Lisa sets out to get Bradfield wearin' green - slime, that is.
S1.E9 ∙ The Executive Washrooms
Amidst disco dancing and call-in contests, the kids plot to pie and slime each other while Mr. Dime has the locks changed to the executive washroom.
S1.E10 ∙ Concert/Library/Boring
The kids present the usual live jokes and call-in contests, along with filmed segments showing Ottawa children and teens telling their own jokes, classroom sketches, disruptions in the library, mock executions, and kid-and-parent interactions. Music videos and disco dancers, hosted by Jim Johnson are seen about every ten minutes. Standard features of the series include the locker jokes, cream pies in the face, and green slime for anyone who says, "I don't know" for any reason.
S1.E11 ∙ The Straight Jackets Show
The TV station producing the show has ordered that everyone in the studio at week-ends must wear a straitjacket.
S1.E13 ∙ The Walk Show
The kids who usually do the show in a studio are 'on location' in Ottawa, highlighting a walkathon in aid of charity, interviewing various participants who have gathered sponsors for their attempt at the 50 km walk.
S1.E14 ∙ End of First Series
The show is ending their first season as a local program, with the cast wondering whether they're going to be picked up by the national network in the next season.
S2.E1 ∙ Work, Work, Work
Christine demonstrates workmanship by shoveling dirt onto a wheelbarrow on the set.
S2.E2 ∙ Transportation
The topic of transportation inspires conversations about cars, buses and airplane luggage while it grants Ross a special power by which to bother Christine.
S2.E4 ∙ Dating
The show finds Christine keeping vigilance by the studio phone in hopes that Nigel, her supposed boyfriend, will call.
S2.E5 ∙ Fitness
For the show topic of fitness, Christine rides her exercise bike while Ross tries ways to get a family allowance check.
S2.E6 ∙ Safety First
With safety in mind, Christine advises viewers to be careful and mindful of many hazardous objects and situations (with redundant emphasis placed on wearing white at night).
S2.E7 ∙ Sexual Equality
With equality at issue, Brodie, Rodney and Lisa demand Christine share her hosting duties with them. Her easy agreement sounds like sweet victory till pies, normally destined for Christine, start flying their way.
S2.E8 ∙ Personal Hygiene
The subject of personal cleanliness inspires Christine to host the show while soaking luxuriously in her own bubble-filled bathtub.
S2.E9 ∙ Smoking
The subject of smoking has the kids mostly ridiculing it for its foul smell and threat to health while trying to get some adults to quit.
S2.E10 ∙ Crime and Vandalism
The theme is juvenile crime and punishment with the set suffering a long, slow disappearance of equipment, personal apparel and, eventually, personnel.
S2.E11 ∙ Drugs
Self-splatting pie addicts abound to comically lampoon the foolishness of drug addiction.
S2.E12 ∙ Nutrition
The show supports the position that healthy foods are good to eat as well as wear while junk foods are good for raising pimple farms.
S2.E13 ∙ Peer Pressure
For a show on Peer Pressure, two Peers from England's House of Lords come to belly-bump Christine while Kevin Schenk feels the pressure after he and Rodney drop a pier on his foot.
S3.E1 ∙ Cosmetics
The show explores those things which enhance a person's physical appeal, such as makeup, deodorant, breath spray, beauty cream, perfumes and aftershave, and the like.
S3.E2 ∙ Addictions
The cast prides itself on avoiding the addictions of its parent generation but displays a variety of addictions all their own.
S3.E3 ∙ Popularity
Ross starts an audience survey to determine who's most popular on the show, and the kids talk themselves into believing that the winner gets his or her own dressing room.
S3.E4 ∙ Fads and Fashion
With her castmates following an ever-changing stream of fashion trends, Christine manages to remain always a step behind the times.
S3.E5 ∙ Vacations
For the show's theme on vacations, Christine decides to get away and lay out at the beach, but that doesn't stop Ross and others from finding her.
S3.E6 ∙ Rip-Offs
The studio is one year old, but it's not a time to celebrate. The warranty has expired and now all the studio equipment is suddenly in danger of malfunctioning and falling apart.
S3.E7 ∙ Bullying
To prepare herself against bullies, Christine dons her gi to practice karate moves, but that won't stop the usual pitfalls of being the host or the relentless little terror that is Alasdair Gillis.
S3.E8 ∙ Culture Junk
The show lays out a feast of classic cultural elements, highlighting the bard, opera, ballet and portrait painting.
S3.E9 ∙ Television
Christine shares the chaos, romance, water, support, terminology and slime that go into, around and about the production of their TV show.
S3.E10 ∙ Sports
Christina and Lisa jacket themselves as sportscasters to lead the show in a sports-angled view of the world.
S3.E11 ∙ Heroes
Superheroes, hero-types and those in real life we look up to get the comedic skewer as the cast touches the many whom kids or society chose to admire.
S3.E12 ∙ The Not-So-Fair Show
It's not fair. That's the cry of foul play with a look at, or whines about, unfairness. Adding to the misery is an Un-Fairy-Godmother who keeps granting wishes in the worst possible ways.
S4.E1 ∙ Media
The show targets television and newspaper medias, mainly for their deceptiveness in advertising. Living the example, the show calls itself "new and improved" but admits having little to show for it.
S4.E2 ∙ Pets
The show's theme on pets prompts Lisa to aim an endless stream of derisive dog jokes at Christine, which puts Christine in mind for revenge.
S4.E3 ∙ Medicine
Laughter is the best medicine for what ails you, but this "Medicine" show deals almost exclusively with ailments alone.
S4.E4 ∙ Rules and Regulations
The government, having discovered kids working for You Can't Do That On Television, impose new rules and regulations to protect them. First rule: since money corrupts, the kids can't be paid.
S4.E5 ∙ Future World
To peer into the future, Christine consults her horoscope, dusts off her crystal ball, shuffles her Tarot cards, traces her lifeline and devours her fortune cookies - but still can't see to avoid the slime coming her way.
S4.E6 ∙ Nature
Catch fish, dry fish, pitch a tent, make fire with two sticks. The gang all take a stab at getting back to nature through camping, but their lack of woods savvy is abundantly evident.
S4.E7 ∙ Cooking
It's a toss-up over who's better as Lisa and Christine pit their questionable culinary skills in a cooking throw-down, relying upon unwary cast members to judge between the lesser gastronomic evils of their unsavory creations.
S4.E8 ∙ Inequality: Kids vs. Adults
The kids cry "age discrimination" over all instances and situations that run contrary to meeting their desires.
S4.E9 ∙ Rumors
When the nameplate and star disappear from Christine's dressing room door, and her key no longer fits the lock, word spreads that she's being fired.
S4.E10 ∙ Classical Music
As the gang tackles the world of classical music, Christine struggles to play the cello like a violin, figuring they look the same so they should be played the same. Invariably, it all goes to prove that music for some is noise to others.
S4.E11 ∙ Manners
Habitual bad manners (a.k.a. disgusting habits) get the focus as Christine consults the questionable Book of Etiquette compiled by the show's producers.
S4.E12 ∙ Fame
Kevin seeks fame, starting off by giving himself the new stage name of Kevin Illyanovich Rasputin Kubusheskie, which could get him fired for putting the show over its ink budget in trying to write it out.
S4.E13 ∙ Priorities
Christine questions Ross's priorities when he cancels the show due to a baseball game he'd like to attend, but a few choice words from the producer changes his attitude.
S5.E1 ∙ Courage
The kids discuss courage. Kevin tests his courage by wearing a suit of armor.
S5.E2 ∙ Friends
You can't put a price tag on friendship. Well, in fact, you can, as Christine sadly discovers when her mother's monthly friendship checks to the cast fail to arrive, leaving Christine friendless.
S5.E3 ∙ Ambition
Christine wants to grow as an actress and begs Ross to provide her with a meaty scene within the show. Ben, meanwhile, wants Ross to adjust the budget so he can star in his own music video.
S5.E4 ∙ Hobbies
Christine starts her new favorite hobby by trading Ross' rare coin collection for an exercise bike and a set of free weights.
S5.E5 ∙ ESP/Magic/Astrology
Explores the paranormal, a poltergeist invades the studio (sending equipment and personnel flying), Lisa conducts séances, and a thankful genie freed from an electric lamp grants wishes.
S5.E6 ∙ Literature
A show on literature inspires Christine to become a writer. Meanwhile, Justin sets out to expose history's cover-up of the world's most prolific writer - A. Nonymous - whom he believes to be the true author of Shakespeare's works.
S5.E7 ∙ Clubs
Christine joins a fitness club for its tennis outfits, restaurant, tan and muscular guys and fashion show, and Ross involves the kids in an investment club with himself as their broker.
S5.E8 ∙ Foreign Countries
With a multitude of family vacations to foreign countries coming up, Ross seizes every opportunity to shortchange the kids in exchanging their dollars for foreign currency.
S5.E9 ∙ Marketing
The kids try to find something to market for the show so it does not get axed.
S5.E10 ∙ History
As Alasdair's exploration of his family tree starts connecting with castmates, Ross fears the kids will start making fun of his age. So he conducts a preemptive strike.
S5.E11 ∙ Body Parts
The producer has Ross check through the cast for a perfect body-type to be featured in an upcoming commercial. The kids look upon this as a stepping-stone for one of them to become a star but haven't a clue what body-type is being sought.
S5.E12 ∙ Technology
Ross installs an audience interactive mechanism which can influence the outcomes of various scenes, but Christine discovers it can, more importantly, bring about the silencing of Motormouth Lisa.
S5.E13 ∙ Moving
While Christine's family moves to an upscale neighborhood (which eventually proves too ritzy for their other-than-blue blood), a kid on wheels from California catches the attention of his new classmates.
S5.E14 ∙ Halloween
When Ross openly disdains Halloween, Christine invokes a pretend spell to mess with his head. He's not impressed, but when a continuous string of accidents and near disasters enters his life, he's ready to admit she's a bone fide witch.
S5.E15 ∙ Christmas
It's Christmas on the set, but there's little peace on Earth in the studio: Alasdair's running around with a helmet camouflaged in mistletoe and two eager lips puckered.
S5.E16 ∙ Holidays
The kids rally for an Actors' Holiday so they can have a day off just to be kids, but Ross abhors the idea.
S5.E17 ∙ Colleges
Among the cast's plans for college, Alasdair plans to enter on a video game scholarship but, so far, can't find a university to meet his aim. Ross returns to college so he can enter a profession without kids around.
S5.E18 ∙ Politics
Christine decides that Lisa has what it takes to run for class president - a boring, uneventful background, an uncle who can supply voters with free pizzas, and a mouth that can talk on and on without saying anything.
S5.E19 ∙ Science
While the group has a hay day with botany, chemistry and physics, Alasdair discerns the formula for green slime and announces his findings to the viewing public.
S5.E20 ∙ Divorce
During their divorce proceedings, the producer's wife takes half the show away - literally half of everything - with strange results.
S5.E21 ∙ Families
Ross's nephew Jeff joins the cast but, due to his family ties, doesn't suffer the usual punishments felt by the other kids on the show, and visa versa.
S5.E22 ∙ Malls: Hangouts
The kids hang out - at the arcade, the library, malls and summer camp, after school, at the Burgery, around the set, outside prison, stores, locker and dressing rooms. They also hang laundry, hang tough, and generally just hang in there.
S5.E23 ∙ Seasons: Weather
Alasdair brings his weather machine to the studio. The crazy thing works but has no off switch and its selector malfunctions.
S5.E24 ∙ War
Ross wears his old army uniform in protest of the kids' griping about war. Meanwhile, Alasdair starts a peace movement called "War's Insane: Make Peace" (W.I.M.P.).
S5.E25 ∙ Jealousy
Christine gets a raise in salary and the rest of the cast gets jealous.
S5.E26 ∙ Wealth
To meet budget requirements for an episode on wealth, the producer markets it to investors. Unfortunately, once they see the product they're buying into, the production goes back up for sale.
S6.E2 ∙ Wildlife and Animals
While half the cast takes the theme of animals and wildlife to mean the party-animal lifestyle of punk rockers, a blow to the head leaves Alasdiar thinking he's a dog.
S6.E3 ∙ World Records
Alistair tries to set a world record for eating the most hard boiled eggs.
S6.E4 ∙ Identity Crisis
The cast tries answering the question "Just who do you think you are?"
S6.E5 ∙ Pessimism/Optimism
Alasdair, with himself as host, thinks this show on optimism and pessimism will be great, but Christine, having read the script, thinks otherwise.
S6.E7 ∙ Fears, Worries and Anxieties
The cast deals with fears, phobias and a few hidden monsters.
S6.E8 ∙ Relatives
In a show centered around blood relations and ancestry, Barth leaves relatives in change while on vacation, and Ross charges the cast to research each of their family trees.
S6.E9 ∙ Revenge
As everyone becomes vengeance-minded, Alasdair tries putting Ross' box of Instant Revenge to use, and the somewhat inept Masked Revenger avails his transformation superpower to address the grievances of the disgruntled.
S6.E10 ∙ Movies
A big time Hollywood producer plans to make a major motion picture version of the show while the kids go through slime wrenching auditions just to get a part.
S7.E1 ∙ Fairy Tales, Myths and Legends
The kids discuss fairy tales and Alisdair tries to become a wizard.
S7.E8 ∙ Back to School
The Local Schoolboard appoints Ross to educate the kids since they're not in school.
S7.E9 ∙ Illness
The Doug, Jody and Alisdair become sick when the green slime becomes contaminated.
S7.E13 ∙ Poverty and Unemployment
The kids lose their jobs and they have to work for the producer's spoiled daughter.
S7.E18 ∙ Mysteries and Crimes
Adam tries to solve the mystery of the disappearing cast members.
S8.E2 ∙ Adoption
Parodies of Little Orphan Annie, and ads for kids in need of homes, are among a set of adoption-themed sketches. Doug and Vanessa wonder if they could be long-lost siblings.
S9.E4 ∙ Fitness
The kids exercise on a stationary bike and use the TV station's special effects to create change of scenery. While trying to stay healthy and exercise, the kids' efforts are halted by the adults. The boy escapes by going jogging with the firing squad.
S9.E10 ∙ Time
Ross tries to create a retro look for the show as far back as the 50s.
S9.E14 ∙ Age
10 years since the show has been running, many of the show's old old cast members return and Chris fears he will be kicked off the show due to his upcoming birthday.
S9.E18 ∙ Failure
Ross fails to show up for work so the kids have to run the show by themselves.
S9.E20 ∙ Celebrations
Ross makes all the kids celebrate in different cultural customs to get other countries to buy the show.
S9.E21 ∙ Effort
Nick makes an effort to remember his name is Nick, not Ted and not to get confused like he always does.
S9.E23 ∙ Smoking
This episode examines the negative effects of smoking and its origin. The kids go through scenarios of what smoking can do to you and why kids shouldn't smoke. Lisa questions why those who smoke want to quit and why those who don't smoke, want to try it?
S9.E25 ∙ Embarassment
Jill's little sister Amy joins the cast and makes it very embarrassing for Jill.
S10.E1 ∙ Blame
The kids look at how everyone gets blamed for everything even if it is not their fault.
S11.E1 ∙ Project 131
Project 131 was a You Can't Do That On Television reunion episode, including rarely-seen bloopers, 1979 footage, scenes from the banned Adoption episode, new scenes and more.
